- She didn’t play with my nipples. They’re sensitive and I like it when a woman flicks them with her tongue. Sorry Pete, 28, but you’re full of crap and don’t exist.
- I was never woken up by her for morning sex. That’s the time I am horniest, so she would have gotten major points. He loves morning sex, but Phillip, 24, can’t stand afternoon, evening, and night sex.
- It would be nice if my ex switched things up more often and suggested new things for us to try when we’re in bed. But he could not be bitter, for it was Will, 24, who chose to take an 18th century Victorian woman as his time traveller wife.
- She never looked up at me while performing oral sex. The eyes are windows into the soul, and Les, 30, wants to see that soul sucking his dick.
- I’d have liked her to play with my back door. Nothing too invasive, just a tickle. Dante, 28, should probably do some soul searching while he’s searching for something to put up his butt.
- Sometimes I wanted her to be the spoon after sex. Glen, 34, had long ago perfected the art of feeling someone up with his back muscles.
- What really bothered me was that after I’d gone down on her, she wouldn’t let me kiss her until I brushed my teeth. ”It’s like she didn’t want my sloppy, vagina covered mouth all over hers!” Donnie, 31, continued in bewilderment.
- Guys sometimes have a middle-of-the-night uncontrollable sex craving where we need pleasure right now. Well, that was when her legs became a closed vice, and I’d lie there until she woke up… but by then the animalistic drive was gone. Laying in bed with a hard-on whispering, “Hey? Hey? You awake? Hey!” for 45 minutes was a mood killer for Charlie, 25.
- Why wouldn’t she ever play with my hair during sex? It feels so good. Dan, 28, keeps his taint unshaven for that very reason.
- She never let me touch her feet. She thought it was gross, but it really turns me on. I love running my hand down a woman’s leg and slightly messaging her foot when I’m on top during sex. She also wasn’t into Eric, 26, jerking off into her running shoes.
- Past girlfriends should’ve come up with cool, brand new positons I had never heard of, then showed me how to do them. Esteban, 18, could never get his past girlfriends to make up something for ‘The Citadel of Shattered Realities’.
- It would have thrilled me if she had suggested playing with something kinky, like candle wax. Candle wax is only considered kinky by teen sex comedy writers, so it’s no surprise Joseph, 23, is putting the finishing touches of his American Pie DVD sequel screenplay.
- I wish she would have let me bring food items into bed, like whipped cream. She was also worried about getting messy, but that was the point. George Costanza is more than a TV character for Charlie, 24: he’s a sexual visionary.
- Paid more attention to my balls during sex. They’re very accessible during intercourse- especially during doggie-style or when the woman is on top, much like the clitoris is for guys. Drew, 30, does not know what balls are or where they are located.
- Nothing is hotter than a woman who scratches and rubs my back during sex. Thinking back, more of that would always have been nice. Abdul, 21, was killed in a car accident 2 weeks before answering this question.
butts butts butts
I’ve started coating my entire life in an instant film of nostalgia. Life passes through my ears and eyes into cherished memory like a wafer through chocolate on a Kit-Kat production line.
Anything I do, regardless of how embarrassing or ridiculous or socially ill-advised it is at the moment, becomes a great idea because I’ve already transposed my thought process to that of a 60 year old man looking back on his life.
“I was young and stupid and in my twenties!” I think to myself while being young and stupid and in my twenties.
Memory is the god I’m throwing myself into the social volcano for. I’m not sure what the people around me think but it doesn’t matter; they’re the unwitting Aztecs watching my sacrifice.
That even though I performed a barely passable version of “Every Little Step” by Bobby Brown at the Brass Monkey tonight, I did take the 12 bar break to perform a word-perfect rendition of Mr. Brown’s rap from “On Our Own” from the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack. It’s this kind of attention to detail that I hope will come to represent my legacy. Thank you for your time.
God damn that’s awesome. “WELL I GUESS WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL.”
I split my boxers on the first squat of my work set (180lbs).
Proceeded to do 3 more sets of 5 and spend another 45 minutes at the gym.